creeping along

November 14, 2006 at 11:17 am (rant)

Those who have followed my imemnse amount of pathetic poetry in blogs (not this) and/or boards will have noticed and probably suspected that I was in love, of some sort anyway.

I’d found and still have, a familiar soul and after I devouted myself to her side, I sort of just got more and more affection. But it ended. I will not write publicly about any reasons. There might be none and I’d do herunjustice to write anything. So I won’t do so. But in the end, it’s all about fear. Fear ruins it all. Remember that, my readers.

But it didn’t end last night when we were sort of forced to talk sense to one another (thanks to the lady E.), it just got less complicated. As still love her as a dear friend and will not allow myself to have some small thing as love get in the way (^^). I eed her as a friend and she needs me, so we just remain in the default state.

It will probably make me terribly unhappy in the days to come, but I’m so used to this kinda stuff so it won’t be that much of a bother. Or so I hope.

I’ll probably still say when I’m 56 and she almost 60 something like ‘shame we didn’t come togehter, eh?’ for what good that’d do.

Call me pathetic, but I still got hope. It’s the only virtue i’ve got left since cynicsm took over large parts of my brain. A time will come where my love pays, when everything makes sense.

I wish I could believe what I say… but perhaps I really do and won’t admit it. Hell, my brain is screwed ^-^

cya later…

Nils

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