December 30, 2006 at 12:54 pm (rant, Uncategorized)

Anyone who can read german might look into my german blog (see blogroll on the bottom right frame). I had… some sort of creativitystorm or whatever.
It is true that the more emotions you have the more stuff you can write. It wasn’t very pleasant.

I’d like to thank ‘specially rin at this point, and shil, for being there.

That’s all for the moment.

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December 27, 2006 at 5:00 pm (poem, Uncategorized)

This is a signature of mine in a board and since it’s a work of creativity it’s good to be poested here:

There is the distance between us
likewise cursed and blessed
just my memory of you exists
’cause you are out of sight


I think there’s a mistake in it but I can’t find it o.O

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music I

December 27, 2006 at 2:27 pm (music)


-What are these guys?
They are from sweden. Five suspicious looking guys, although ot so rough looking as some metal bands 😉

-So, what music does Katatonia make?
Hard to tell. From the subjects inside their songs it’s mostly doom metal, thus being basically metal with a very sad, depressive and/or hopeless attitude focussing on loss, angst, paranoia, death and so on.

The thing about katatonia is their very broad variety of music. Some songs really feel like doom but some are… let’s say alternative, or even rock. They have influences of Jazz, rock and even blues in their songs and, that is important, always very clean vocals.

Their style changed during their career. he began, I think, as gothic/death metal nad rose to this… avandgarde band  they are now.

-What of there works do I own?
Two albums and some songs from the others.
viva emptieness (2003)
-the great cold distance (2006)

I can sincierly recommend them.

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music introduction

December 27, 2006 at 2:06 pm (music, rant)

I like to eview some of the music I frequently listen to. This has two reasons:

-It gives me something to do

-I can’t write anything useful (ie. writers block)

At some point today I’ll start.

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stories not for christmas

December 24, 2006 at 12:43 pm (poem, rant)

I wish all of the readers a nice christmas, no matter how it’s done.

Anway, this stuff was done in the last couple of days at school. And it’s still about the same topic, as you’ll undoubtly spot. I begin to dislike it. What’s the use of trying to get over something if your imagination keeps on annoying you with suff like this? Sorta depressing, eh? You think you made up your mind and then while you are walking home it jumps from a dark sidestreet and screams HYPOCRITE and you shrink and relaize fuck that I really am. That’s definetly not a good point to start with. And then it punches you in the face, kicks your ribcage while shouting crazy in-love idiot and all you do is lying and then it takes your money and walks away whistling yankee-doodle.

Sometimes I scare myself.

time was like a river turned all red
the heartbeats pressure
which is you.

Future is a spiked wall far too close
it will hurt me
and so will you.

my head is spinning
all is blurred
a look for comfort
I need you.

Distance is the thing right in between
a cause to smile at
a reason to frown.

And I just want to smile again
since it’s my fault
and not yours.

Do be the one one who I trust
’cause I will be there
and so will you.

(any relation to a certain covenant song is accidential)


I got an idea. Check this blog in the next few days.


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December 20, 2006 at 6:00 pm (Uncategorized)

See my senses all stretchin’ outwards
see the glimmer of hurt aphexity* in vain
no story of my life
just the last chapter so far.

this is probably the part where I should scream
where I should really tell what’s on my mind
this is the moment where it all falls apart
and places itself together again.

Listen how my voice has changed since we talk the last time
notice how I avoid your gaze
it was always something nice to see
but now the ice means freezing and fear
not the familiar crystalblue glow
and yet still the same.

this out to be the sencond where I scream
the moment where I cry
but what’s the point to fall apart?
Tears don’t put out fires
screams don’t drown the heartbeats noise
so easy there
just fixed my gaze
all thorugh this maze
so no hard feelings anymore
enough of them already.

But if things crack
the surface breaks
and I turn out to be alone again

it would be the moment where I scream.

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writing on

December 16, 2006 at 2:49 pm (poem)

Just to get it written down. A couple of days old.

It’s just some thing really
both trivial and dramatic
how nice it would be to say
death in the head
decay in my heart
but oddly enough
this is not true.
Just in a way.
And hell wouldn’t it be pointless
to write down all this anger
mostly at myself
since Iturned myself blind for the truth
which was always there
unseen – unwanted
so when I was forced to realize
it blew a lot away.
And yeah so I’m mad
feeling for a drink and a fight
but this is all pointless.
‘I can’t live without heer
so I won’t even try’
reel big fish once sang
and this is quite true
-a pathetic truth-
so, my sister in mind, my friend
I hope as soon as we meet again
I can smile for you again
my dearest friend.

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songs from the past

December 16, 2006 at 12:17 am (Uncategorized)

so much more than charlie’s wakin me
to my core and charlie’s shakin’ me
and tell my story and charlie’s makin me
and charlie’s makin me smile…
oh oh now…

(by the red hot chili peppers)

I can’t get this song and, well, the rest out of my head. Considering screwing it off^^

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December 14, 2006 at 10:21 pm (rant, Uncategorized)

I think I just put it like katatonia:

burn the remembarence. 

lthough I am very close to one of reel big fish:

But I can’t live without her so I won’t even try!

I very much would appreciate some optimism in my thoughts but it’s just not happening. And it’s also fucked up with the term ‘I love her’. That’s what I do. And when that means I just have to forget the physical part, well that’s life, eh?
I love her as a person, as an individual, as the one she is.  And when  she does not feel the same way, that’s life either.  In which case, I’ll simply continue to love her. As a friend and the important person she is.
This my probably sound extremly pathetic and romantic but it’s how I am, I guess.

Or, to say it kinda like the band catch22:

Always was a sucker for a blue eyed metal girl
and for her I’d shoot the world.

Which is in fact what I’d do. I might consider calling myself obsessive^^
No matter really. It’s just about getting your life on… and this includes for now forgetting all the in-love thoughts connected to her and replace that by the normal worries about a fucking close friend. The closest female I got, actually.

But really… who am I kidding? If my guesses are right about how my memory works then I’ll still love her when I’m 35. And this would seriously annoy me by then I figure. But I can’t fight me, can I? Again pretty pathetic.

So… before I get my next emotional breakdown I just want to state:

I will never ever leave your side, no matter as what. The friendship we share is one of the importanst things for me and I will not… want anything to happen to that.
And if that involves to stop loving you in the sense of the word then so be it. I swear this by my sword and to the steel lined sky.

I’m sorry if I’ve annoyed anyone with this lame statement, but it’s something I had to say and I simply can’t do it in any other way…

Stuff to read will follow tomorrow. Or later.


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December 13, 2006 at 1:53 pm (rant)

Did I say something about things getting better? How wrong I was. It would take only a moment to finally kill myself if this sorta thing would be so lame to do. So, I don’t. And since I having a bit of trouble when it comes to religion there’s notelling what might come after death. So it’s best not to find out too soon, eh?

Anyway I feel completly wrecked for various reasons.

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